I want to move from the place where my life in Christ is all about me to a place where it's all about him. A place where I'm more concerned about the way Christ views the world and not how the world views me. I say I want this, but doing something about it is a different story. Sometimes it feels as if I am stuck. Stuck on this side of the river. This side of the glass. Stuck in self.
A couple of weeks ago I ran into this passage in 2 Corinthians (3:18), where Paul talks about living behind the veil, and it got me thinking about fear and about destiny and about me holding myself back. As someone who's believed in God, and been a "Christian" for most of my life, I can honestly say it's only been within the past few years that I've really taken it seriously...or at least I am beginning to understand the importance of taking it seriously.
Go back a little over a year. I found myself very dissatisfied with life. I'd figured out that I could skirt by on my own efforts working at a church, leading worship, and other such things, and these appearances alone were enough to make people believe I was this wonderful Christian man. But inside I felt dead and exhausted from trying. So I started being cynical and bitter at organized religion...not at God...he was still cool. I was just tired of being a part of the institution of modern western church.
So I started searching. Searching for God knows what (*wink* Donald Miller), and having no idea what WHAT was. So I started reading. I read along this seemingly random, hap-hazard journey of literature that went from Donald Miller’s Searching for God Knows What, to Rob Bell’s Sex God, to David Platt’s Radical. Through this journey, God revealed to me that it was ok to be searching; to test the waters of the things I'd always believed in – come what may – and through this, I came to understand a little more the passionate pursuit of me that is God's love. This undying, never-wavering force of love, that is gentle and sweet and fierce and expansive. I came to realize that this same love that is only mine, is only everyone else’s too. Then came this desire from within to spread this love like a disease. And then came the veil.
Think back to Exodus 34, right after Moses got the Ten Commandments from God on Mt. Sinai. Moses' face was so radiant from being in the presence of God that it literally glowed. That freaked the people out, so his brother Aaron said to him, "Dude! your face is FREAKY-white! Go wash that stuff off 'cuz you're scaring people!...You can't? Then put a towel on it or something...fine, a veil will do." (You won’t find that dialogue in any translation in the Bible. I just made it up.) So Moses puts this veil over his face whenever he was around the Israelites, but took his veil off when he was alone with God. He essentially lived two lives.
Now a few years later, here comes Paul, totally tearing the cover off (pun intended)! In his 2nd letter to the church of Corinth, he says, "Since we have such a hope, we are very bold, not like Moses who would put a veil over his face...But when one turns to the Lord, the veil is removed...and where the Spirit of the Lord is there is freedom. And we all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another." (3:12-18ish) This excites me, because Paul is encouraging me to have no separation between my life in Christ, and the life I live out for the rest of the world to see; to be unveiled and transparent for all to see, not in a boastful way, but in a real, life-giving honest way.
So here I am, living and breathing, and capable of being unveiled and transformed for all to see, yet I think at times I intentionally still live behind the veil. This thin piece of fabric that allows me to see and move and live, precludes my existence from actually living. At times I am hesitant to remove the veil God sees, because I am not ready to really deal with my life – its past, present, and future. And I don’t want to remove the veil others see, because I am not ready to be honest, vulnerable, and broken in front of people. I like being behind the veil, because it is comfortable, and the veil is what I know. To take it off would be like going from black & white to color, and I don't know color. Even though the promise of color blows my mind with its endless possibilities and beauty, I'd still rather stick with my old black & white set. (It's a television analogy that depending on your age, you may not get. Also, there was a time when there was no Internet, and not everyone had a cell phone.)
But the uncomfortable, while dissatisfying, seems easier than the unknown, because it’s known. But note what Paul says in verse 18. I am being transformed "from one degree of glory to another." This means it doesn't have to be a snap-of-the-fingers magic reaction. This is fantastic because it means I only have to take one step at a time, allowing God to transform me into His image. So while I sit behind my veil trying to calculate every foreseeable change I will face upon removing the veil, all I need to worry about is just taking off that blasted veil! I don't have to have an answer to what others will think. Or what geographic location this will take me. Or what major changes are needed in my life. I need only to worry about the removing of the veil.
I thank God for only giving me one step at a time. A friend recently told me that if I were to be given the book that is my life’s journey, and I were to skip from Chapter 1 and looked at the end, it would freak the crap out of me, as I frantically searched for "how the heck did I get there?!?!?!?" Sometimes God only reveals the next step for a reason. Understanding this is necessary so I don't over think it, or try to control it. Most importantly, I think God only gives me the next step I am supposed to take, because he knows I only have the faith and courage to take one step. And once I take that step, we'll go from there.
Have the strength to remove the veil, and not worry about anything else.
"Let other things come and go as they may, let other people criticize as they will, but never allow anything to obscure the life that is hid with Christ in God." Oswald Chambers, January 23, My Utmost for His Highest
- A
