The First Step

A few months ago I decided to start swimming as my form of exercise. Though I had been taking classes at the gym for years, my knees and abs were no longer happy about it. Thank you, child birth aftermath. For months I just stopped going to the gym because I was paralyzed by the anxiety that a new routine might bring to someone who struggles with crazy anxiety at times. I realized that if I never did it a first time, I wouldn't do it a second and third time and couldn't therefore begin a new routine. It's deep. So I worked up the courage, dug out my old going-on-a-mission-trip-must-find-modest-unattractive-one-piece, and watched some YouTube videos to remind myself about swimming. Seriously. That happened. I found a swimming plan and was overly pretty confident that I could at least swim a half mile on the first day.

I survived the locker room, full of naked, super-chatty older ladies. I also didn't get too freaked out by the signs that reminded people to keep their underwear on when in the sauna and not to shave while in the sauna. Really? I finally got in the pool, clearly an amatuer because of the lack of a swimming cap, and started my first lap. Halfway through, I started freaking out because I was already winded and sure I was going to drown. The swimming plan I was following only required I swim 100 yds. before taking a break. I swam maybe 37 yds. before I decided that I was going to die this way. Good news: I didn't die. I survived my first day, bought a cap so I could look legit, and have been going back a couple times a week for the last few months. It's not scary any more--not even the naked ladies...that's not entirely true--and I finally swam 1 mile yesterday. I didn't reach that goal on the first, or the second or the third day. I just continued to work towards the goal, improving my endurance and growing my confidence.
Taking the first step is always the hardest. It requires courage to move toward the unknown, with no guarantee how things will turn out. But once that step is taken, it seems like each consecutive step gets easier and easier.

It was 2 years ago that the nudge to take the first step happened. It was 1 year ago that I finally obeyed. We were at a conference for young leaders, and all throughout the four days I just kept feeling like God was asking me to quit my job to be home with our girls. I had always said "Staying at home full-time with my kids is not for me! I NEED to work at least part-time." And if you've ever said things with finality before, you know what happens next. I just couldn't see how it would work financially or emotionally for me. So I kept putting the thought aside, maybe trying to believe that God didn't really speak to me. About 8 months later, I finally obeyed, and put in my 4-months notice. After taking that HUGE first step, it was easier to take the next step. And the next. And the next.

A scripture that comes to mind is Luke 16:10, "He who is faithful in a very little thing is faithful also in much; and he who is unrighteous in a very little thing is unrighteous also in much." Staying at home full-time wasn't an option in my mind, but I'm so glad that God spoke to me and I eventually listened. It's because of this step, that many other steps have been taken in this journey. For starters, being with my kids all day every day made me face a lot of ugliness inside me, which then sent me to therapy, WHICH has been one of the best things I've ever done for myself. Had I been distracted by the busyness of work, it would have been a lot easier for me to make excuses and not deal with my stuff. Second, quitting my weekday job allowed us to begin working with high school girls who have faced adversity (read: neglect, abuse, poverty, orphaned, etc.) in their life, which is similar to what we will be doing in Mexico. This job has challenged us in numerous ways, including learning that truly loving people--especially the seemingly unlovable ones--is really, really, hard. Finally, taking the first step to obey God gave us the courage to keep on asking him to direct our steps. And that has brought us to going to Mexico. Each time we are faithful in the very little thing, we are given the next step. Doors open, opportunities arise.

Friends, if you're finding yourself dissatisfied with life, unfulfilled, or confused, I pray that you find the courage to ask God what He'd like to do with your life...then listen to the answer. It seems scary, overwhelming, to relinquish that control, and it is! I'm not going to let you believe that all of these steps have been easy becauase they have ALL been hard. Staying home was hard; admitting that I needed therapy was hard; deciding to take our young family to another country was really hard. But the more I say "yes" to God and his plan, the more I am believing that it's the best way to live.

- M