We've all heard it: life is a journey. But can we agree that it's sort of a bummer? Journeys are hard work, uncertain at times, and last a reeeeeeally long time. I'd rather life be a vacation, a party, or a never-ending plate of french fries.
Anyone who I've ever talked to for more than seven minutes knows I'm a fan of therapy. One of the reasons for going was because I was angry. I didn't realize how angry I was until I quit my job and stayed home with my kids everyday. I didn't have anything to distract me and I had everything, er, everyone, to push my buttons. I realized I had a problem when one day I kicked Olive's portable potty across the room because I so frustrated with her. I would call this a really low point in parenting. Not only did it freak her out, but it freaked me out. As if all of this wasn't awful enough, it turns out it wasn't an empty potty. After apologizing, cleaning up pee, and then crying in my room, I knew I didn't want my kids to pay for something that wasn't theirs--my anger issue--so off I went to therapy.
In my first session I was ready to get a bullet-point game plan for how to change my life, and hopefully this would only take a few weeks. My therapist laughed a little and told me it's a journey. Change will come--I can't tell you how or when, but it will come. It always does. I wanted to believe her, but without a syllabus, I didn't know what to do. I wasn't great at rolling with the punches.
It's hard to see change in the midst of the journey; it's so much easier to look back and measure progress. Just the other day, as I set the kids up to play with a concoction of shaving cream, glitter, and confetti, I wondered how I got here. Glitter used to turn me into a Mom-ster freaking out the entire time my kids played with it and then for a few hours after as I cleaned it up. But as I went through therapy I realized that I'm not going to get better if I don't do some intentional "homework assignments" to practice what I was learning. One of these self-induced assignments was a scheduled time for my kids to play with glitter. My goal was to not raise my voice and to not micromanage their craft-time. I think there's a quote out there that says if you don't like someone, you should spend more time with them. I can't confirm that it's an actual quote because I'm the one person in the world that can't figure out how to use Google efficiently. Nonetheless, I felt this way about glitter. I needed to spend more time with her (it's a girl) because I really didn't like her.
Two years later, glitter doesn't make me angry anymore. And actually, I'm a lot less angry in general. It wasn't the glitter itself that made me feel angry, it was the mess it made (which created a messy house, which ruined the idea of an orderly home--Perfectionism.) and it was the way it went everywhere and stayed everywhere for weeks (which made me feel crazy because I couldn't contain the madness--Control Issues).
And it wasn't just the glitter that helped me become a less angry person. Selling 80% of our possessions when we moved to Mexico was one of the best things that happened to me. And I say happened to me because I'm not sure I would've had the motivation to do it if it hadn't been necessary. My kids have one basket and two shelves of toys; we have 5 dinner plates, 4 knives, 2 sets of sheets per bed, 2 pots, 2 pans, no microwave, no vacuum....you see where I'm going with this. Stuff was making me angry, even though I kept accumulating it because I thought it would do the opposite and make me happy. I no longer have piles of clutter, toys in every nook and cranny, endless dishes, or appliances taking up space. I actually feel lighter and less stressed with less stuff.
I'm a work in progress like everyone else. I desperately need grace, love, and forgiveness everyday, and I can only extend grace to others when I can accept it from the One who freely gives it. Even though this journey, my journey, hasn't been pretty or easy, and it's certainly not over, it's been sparkly. Really, really sparkly.
-M
Anyone who I've ever talked to for more than seven minutes knows I'm a fan of therapy. One of the reasons for going was because I was angry. I didn't realize how angry I was until I quit my job and stayed home with my kids everyday. I didn't have anything to distract me and I had everything, er, everyone, to push my buttons. I realized I had a problem when one day I kicked Olive's portable potty across the room because I so frustrated with her. I would call this a really low point in parenting. Not only did it freak her out, but it freaked me out. As if all of this wasn't awful enough, it turns out it wasn't an empty potty. After apologizing, cleaning up pee, and then crying in my room, I knew I didn't want my kids to pay for something that wasn't theirs--my anger issue--so off I went to therapy.
In my first session I was ready to get a bullet-point game plan for how to change my life, and hopefully this would only take a few weeks. My therapist laughed a little and told me it's a journey. Change will come--I can't tell you how or when, but it will come. It always does. I wanted to believe her, but without a syllabus, I didn't know what to do. I wasn't great at rolling with the punches.
It's hard to see change in the midst of the journey; it's so much easier to look back and measure progress. Just the other day, as I set the kids up to play with a concoction of shaving cream, glitter, and confetti, I wondered how I got here. Glitter used to turn me into a Mom-ster freaking out the entire time my kids played with it and then for a few hours after as I cleaned it up. But as I went through therapy I realized that I'm not going to get better if I don't do some intentional "homework assignments" to practice what I was learning. One of these self-induced assignments was a scheduled time for my kids to play with glitter. My goal was to not raise my voice and to not micromanage their craft-time. I think there's a quote out there that says if you don't like someone, you should spend more time with them. I can't confirm that it's an actual quote because I'm the one person in the world that can't figure out how to use Google efficiently. Nonetheless, I felt this way about glitter. I needed to spend more time with her (it's a girl) because I really didn't like her.Two years later, glitter doesn't make me angry anymore. And actually, I'm a lot less angry in general. It wasn't the glitter itself that made me feel angry, it was the mess it made (which created a messy house, which ruined the idea of an orderly home--Perfectionism.) and it was the way it went everywhere and stayed everywhere for weeks (which made me feel crazy because I couldn't contain the madness--Control Issues).
And it wasn't just the glitter that helped me become a less angry person. Selling 80% of our possessions when we moved to Mexico was one of the best things that happened to me. And I say happened to me because I'm not sure I would've had the motivation to do it if it hadn't been necessary. My kids have one basket and two shelves of toys; we have 5 dinner plates, 4 knives, 2 sets of sheets per bed, 2 pots, 2 pans, no microwave, no vacuum....you see where I'm going with this. Stuff was making me angry, even though I kept accumulating it because I thought it would do the opposite and make me happy. I no longer have piles of clutter, toys in every nook and cranny, endless dishes, or appliances taking up space. I actually feel lighter and less stressed with less stuff.
I'm a work in progress like everyone else. I desperately need grace, love, and forgiveness everyday, and I can only extend grace to others when I can accept it from the One who freely gives it. Even though this journey, my journey, hasn't been pretty or easy, and it's certainly not over, it's been sparkly. Really, really sparkly.
-M
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