One of these days I will write stories about funny cats or what Alan was wearing the first time we met. But for now it seems like my brain is always filled with things that require processing, and the way for me to process is through writing.
I just finished a book that talked about the healing power of friendships and it made me realize how thankful I am for the friends I have--the new and old ones. We never know what impact we may have on someone else's life for we don't know their whole story nor do we always know what their heart needs in that moment. I have had plenty of negative experiences with people, who most likely had no idea how much their words, lack of words, or actions would effect me. And likely, I've done the same to others, without intending to. And so, I'm reminded of two things: grace and more grace.
But I've also had countless positive interactions with friends that have taught me so much and have helped me on my own journey of healing. When I talk about my journey of healing, I'm talking about dealing with pains and wounds of the past--emotionally and spiritually--by being vulnerable and admitting that I'm a mess, among other things like prayer and forgiveness. This is new for me, this being vulnerable. It's a scary place to admit that I am not perfect, I need you, and I'm a little weird. I've learned two things:
1. I can't be vulnerable with everyone. There are certain people that can handle trips to Crazytown with me and still love me; and then there are those that, for many reasons, cannot. And that's okay.
2. Being anyone other than me is futile.
I'm still learning how to balance being Real Mandy and guarding my heart. I don't do it well all the time. I'm a work in progress.
As I think about all my friends, many of whom I miss so much it actually hurts sometimes, I realize that all the healing that has happened and all the things I've learned from them have not come from lectures, "standing up for issues", or dollops of truth without love. Never have these lessons been explicitly preached at me; instead, they are shared with me just through living authentically.
I'm learning that life isn't black and white and I don't have to be afraid of the grey.
I'm learning that everyone has a story. Always choose grace.
I'm learning that holding someone's baby for them might just be the thing that saves their sanity.
I'm learning that being with someone, sharing in their pain, is more important than giving advice.
I'm learning that people can never receive too many kind words.
I'm learning that doing what I love is better than doing what I feel obligated to do.
I'm learning that it's about perspective--there's always another way to see things.
I'm learning that friendship is about receiving and giving. (This is hard for last borns to grasp :)
I'm learning that I can either be a "burden" for a season or I can be a burden for my whole life.
I'm learning that sometimes, I need to shut-up. Okay, a lot of times I need to shut-up.
I'm learning that I am good-enough, all of me--the good, the bad, the ugly.
I can think of specific people who have lived out each one of these things, so much so, that it has changed who I am. And for that, I'm so grateful. There were many years where I didn't have any deep friendships, just casual ones. I prayed for a long time for someone, just one person, who could be my friend. Sometimes prayers are answered in the way that we prayed them and sometimes we are shown a different way. The answer to my prayer came as a realization: the depth of my relationships depends on me; how willing I am to be real. Friends weren't going to magically appear--it required me to do something.
I wasn't being authentic because I truly thought that people needed me to keep it together, to not be a burden. I didn't want to be a Debbie Downer and talk about my seemingly first-world problems. But after awhile, in a moment of desperation and bravery, I made an appointment to talk to someone who maybe could help me. (By the way, it's super awkward to explain to the receptionist at the therapist's office all of your problems, especially if one of them is "difficulty being open with others.") And at the same time, I began meeting with a group of friends who I could be real with. We shared our stories, asked for help, prayed for each other, cried and laughed with each other. It was exactly what my heart needed.
One of my goals for 2013 was "to be a more thoughtful friend." It's a little sad that it's not something that comes naturally, but I'm so glad I've had friends who hung around long enough to show me what being a friend means. We aren't meant to live alone and we aren't meant to carry our hurts around with us our whole lives. Part of our healing process and dealing with pain needs to be done with others. It's scary and awkward but it's always up to us if we are going to enter this journey or not. I'm glad I did and I'm so thankful for those on the journey with me.
I just finished a book that talked about the healing power of friendships and it made me realize how thankful I am for the friends I have--the new and old ones. We never know what impact we may have on someone else's life for we don't know their whole story nor do we always know what their heart needs in that moment. I have had plenty of negative experiences with people, who most likely had no idea how much their words, lack of words, or actions would effect me. And likely, I've done the same to others, without intending to. And so, I'm reminded of two things: grace and more grace.
But I've also had countless positive interactions with friends that have taught me so much and have helped me on my own journey of healing. When I talk about my journey of healing, I'm talking about dealing with pains and wounds of the past--emotionally and spiritually--by being vulnerable and admitting that I'm a mess, among other things like prayer and forgiveness. This is new for me, this being vulnerable. It's a scary place to admit that I am not perfect, I need you, and I'm a little weird. I've learned two things:
1. I can't be vulnerable with everyone. There are certain people that can handle trips to Crazytown with me and still love me; and then there are those that, for many reasons, cannot. And that's okay.
2. Being anyone other than me is futile.
I'm still learning how to balance being Real Mandy and guarding my heart. I don't do it well all the time. I'm a work in progress.
As I think about all my friends, many of whom I miss so much it actually hurts sometimes, I realize that all the healing that has happened and all the things I've learned from them have not come from lectures, "standing up for issues", or dollops of truth without love. Never have these lessons been explicitly preached at me; instead, they are shared with me just through living authentically.
I'm learning that life isn't black and white and I don't have to be afraid of the grey.
I'm learning that everyone has a story. Always choose grace.
I'm learning that holding someone's baby for them might just be the thing that saves their sanity.
I'm learning that being with someone, sharing in their pain, is more important than giving advice.
I'm learning that people can never receive too many kind words.
I'm learning that doing what I love is better than doing what I feel obligated to do.
I'm learning that it's about perspective--there's always another way to see things.
I'm learning that friendship is about receiving and giving. (This is hard for last borns to grasp :)
I'm learning that I can either be a "burden" for a season or I can be a burden for my whole life.
I'm learning that sometimes, I need to shut-up. Okay, a lot of times I need to shut-up.
I'm learning that I am good-enough, all of me--the good, the bad, the ugly.
I can think of specific people who have lived out each one of these things, so much so, that it has changed who I am. And for that, I'm so grateful. There were many years where I didn't have any deep friendships, just casual ones. I prayed for a long time for someone, just one person, who could be my friend. Sometimes prayers are answered in the way that we prayed them and sometimes we are shown a different way. The answer to my prayer came as a realization: the depth of my relationships depends on me; how willing I am to be real. Friends weren't going to magically appear--it required me to do something.
I wasn't being authentic because I truly thought that people needed me to keep it together, to not be a burden. I didn't want to be a Debbie Downer and talk about my seemingly first-world problems. But after awhile, in a moment of desperation and bravery, I made an appointment to talk to someone who maybe could help me. (By the way, it's super awkward to explain to the receptionist at the therapist's office all of your problems, especially if one of them is "difficulty being open with others.") And at the same time, I began meeting with a group of friends who I could be real with. We shared our stories, asked for help, prayed for each other, cried and laughed with each other. It was exactly what my heart needed.
One of my goals for 2013 was "to be a more thoughtful friend." It's a little sad that it's not something that comes naturally, but I'm so glad I've had friends who hung around long enough to show me what being a friend means. We aren't meant to live alone and we aren't meant to carry our hurts around with us our whole lives. Part of our healing process and dealing with pain needs to be done with others. It's scary and awkward but it's always up to us if we are going to enter this journey or not. I'm glad I did and I'm so thankful for those on the journey with me.
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