Boundaries are our friends!

One of my favorite things to do is to sit for hours and hours with a friend and have a meaningful conversation about any and all aspects of life. Usually, my kids end up tattooing their entire bodies with markers or they decide to put their bathing suits on and play "beach" in the shower where they subsequently use every last drop of the shampoo, while I'm having these meaningful conversations in my livingroom. To me, it's a win-win. They get to have fun while I get to have fun.

I have a handful of friends who I talk to about all the deep things in life, like my dreams for the future, my struggles as a mom and wife, my shortcomings, my fears. Then I have several handfuls where I talk about my life more generally, including things like birthing stories and parenting challenges and cool things on Pinterest. Then I have several handfuls where I talk about The Kardashians and the weather.

This is called boundaries.

I really like people; I really like to talk; I really like to listen and ask questions; I really, really like honesty. This can be awesome, but it can also be a formula for disastrous relationships. I used to consider any person I ever hung out with a "close friend". They were on my invite list to parties and I thought I should be on their invite list to major life events, like weddings and baby showers. Turns out, that's sort of weird of me to operate that way, and it's not healthy. Friendships take time to develop, and they should do so slowly. And there should really be only a handful of the really close ones.

Now, I work on deepening my closest friendships by being vulnerable, loyal, and on their team. I deepen my other close friendships using the same values, but I just put the boundary at a different place. And it's the same for casual friends--I'm still honest and loyal, but the limit of what I share is different. Not because I'm trying to be deceptive, but because I'm protecting myself in the process. The verse in the Bible where it talks about casting pearls before swine being unwise never made sense to me until like 3 years ago, mainly because I didn't understand that not everyone was my BFF. Now that I know about limits and boundaries, I totally get the point of not casting my pearls before swine. My innermost thoughts, dreams, and fears are precious and fragile, just like pearls, and there are only some who can care for them properly, and those are the people who are safe.

Since the general public was invited to join Facebook a few years ago, it's been a love/hate relationship for most people. I hear it all the time, and have even felt it myself--Facebook creates discontentment, comparison, depression, etc, and it's NOT real. I understand all these sentiments, and I agree it can cause these feelings, but I would argue that it's not Facebook's fault--it's User Error.

Since most of us using Facebook grew up without the Internet, we didn't grow up learning how to navigate a social network. I first learned of the Internet in 10th grade in high school and was so confused about what it actually was. For 2 years I thought the Internet was Dogpile, a search engine that was the only one approved for use in our school. This might be why I still have a hard time Googling effectively...

It's no surprise that those of us near/over 30 years old find Facebook repulsive and alluring at the same time. It's no surprise that we want it to be real life--we've lived through high school and maybe college and we're done with the game of comparison. But I would argue that Facebook can be beneficial and not a source of depression or comparison, but it's up to you and me to create boundaries. Or in Facebook terms, it's up to us to know how to use our Privacy Settings. This isn't a catchy metaphor--I'm seriously talking about the real privacy settings. Use them.

Facebook is always, always, always going to be everyone's best moments. At least, I hope that's what it is. There's nothing worse than getting on and reading a bunch of Debbie Downer status updates. I don't want to know that you hate your husband, via Facebook. I don't want to know that you think this world is going to Hell in a hand-basket because someone said Happy Holidays to you at Target. I don't want to see photos of your emergency appendectomy healing process.

I can't control you, or what you post. But I can control what I read and how often I read it.

I have pretty rigid guidelines of who is in my newsfeed--if you're mean, you're out. If you're over 75 and posting provocative selfies--you're out. If you only post controversial issues--you're out. If you are a Debbie Downer, you're out. And if God forbid you ever mention that you lost your baby weight without even trying and how funny is that, lol, omg--you.are.for.sure.out.

This might seem harsh, but it's not much different than setting boundaries in real life. I choose who I spend time with in my real life, thus I will do it in my Facebook life. But with Facebook, I am more strict because it's a one-sided conversation. You and I can post whatever we want and we never have to see the other person's face, we never have to experience their reaction in person, and therefore we don't have to exercise empathy. So because I can't really know your motive behind what you're posting, I do what I do and create boundaries.

Look--life is hard for all us whether you know about it or not. Chances are, you're not going to know if someone's marriage is falling apart or if someone is financially in trouble or if someone loathes her body and would rather die than be fat, via Facebook. And you shouldn't know that. Those are pearls and they are not meant for sharing with the world. So consider it a good thing, a healthy thing that you don't know this information about most people on your Friend list. Because if they are taking it to Facebook, they are in worse shape than it appears.

I want to see the cute pictures of kids, the funny pictures of cats. I want to hear your thoughts and opinions (in a non-bully sort of way). I want to ask for advice and give advice when it's summoned. I want to see pictures of your growing baby bump, your new dog, and the Pinterest projects you're doing. Okay, really, I'd like to see the Pinterest fails, but whatever. I'll take both.

I have come to mostly love Facebook. It has been a source of sanity while living 2500 miles away from those I love the most, other than my sweet little family that I actually live with. I don't want any of you to stop using it because I love seeing all your amazing moments. I want to celebrate with you! Life is hard and if you get to experience something amazing and you want to share it, I want to cheer you on! And if I can't cheer you on, it's my issue to deal with, and one way to deal with it, is to set up boundaries. Say it with me, "Boundaries are our friends."

Three cheers for more cat pictures and Pinterest fails!!!

-M