In a week it will be one year ago that we moved our family over 2500 miles from farm country to the second largest city in the world. In some ways it seems like we just arrived to our barely furnished apartment, trying to survive on our infantile spanish vocabulary. And in other ways, those days seem so far away--our apartment feels like home and we now have at least a preschooler's vocabulary. We came wanting to make a big difference in the world of human trafficking; instead, I feel like huge differences were made in us rather than by us.
As I reflect on this last year, the main thing I feel is gratefulness. I'm grateful for God's loving-kindness in one of the hardest transitions we've ever made together as a family. One of the biggest lessons I've learned is the freedom found in having your hands tied.
I struggled with anxiety for more than half my life. 16 years, to be sort-of exact. One way I coped was white-knuckling everything in my life, thinking that if I controlled it, my anxiety would lessen. This has proven to be untrue. In fact, my anxiety has lessened since having to let go of pretty much any control I ever thought I had.
Mexico has earthquakes. A lot of them. I've felt three since living here in the last year, but many more have happened--I just haven't felt them. We live on the third floor of our apartment building. All the earthquakes I've felt have woken me up from sleeping. I am usually really confused because my first thought is that Alan is just moving around a lot and then I'm annoyed. When I finally realize it's the earth moving and not my husband, I jump out of bed to run to my kids. Well, that's not true. Usually I elbow Alan to wake him up so he can get one of the kids. The problem is, since I have only lived in Pennsylvania, I have no idea really what to do in this situation. We can't evacuate--it's not safe to be in the stairwell. The "Triangle of Life" has something to do with finding a triangular space that will keep you safe, but considering how long it took me to realize it was an earthquake and not just Alan suffering from RLS, the chances of me digging up my geometry skills and successfully finding a triangular space are pretty slim. Basically, besides finding a triangle, we don't have lots of options. And so I hold one of our kids in my arms and pray. Hard.
Besides geometry problems, my previous life of eating only organic, local, and natural foods has been pretty much flipped upside down. One-stop-shopping isn't very common here. We go to market for fruits, veggies, fresh cut bacon, eggs, tortillas, and bulk grains; we go to the grocery store for things like peanut butter, cereal, and milk; we go the "health store" for quinoa and bread, which is pretty much all we can afford there; and we go to Costco for yellow lemons, coconut oil, and frozen pot-stickers. It's not easy to fill the pantry and fridge, and even when we do, it's many times not with foods I would've fed my family a year ago. And even more maddening is that foods don't have to have an ingredient label. My kids now eat Cheetos, Oreos, and Jello and have candy more days than I would like to admit. I could've white-knuckled it and not allowed my kids to partake in eating the candy at birthday parties (which occur on a bi-weekly basis); I could've sent my kids to school without any treats while every other kid ate their Cheetos and Jello; I could've told the kind people who babysat my kids that they weren't allowed to take my kids to KFC. But at some point, I had to resign. The stress I was experiencing about food would kill me before any food I ever ate. I have learned to do the best I can with what I have. I am convinced that quality of life (emotional and spiritual) are much better predictors of future health than food alone. Maybe that's denial, but I'm okay with that.
And finally, living on support (donations made to us by hard-working people) has proven to remove any sense of control I thought I had on our security. When money is tight, I can't just work more hours or pick up a part time job. We literally live on the kindness of others and that, my friends, cannot be controlled by me. And so each month we thank God for every penny that comes in, knowing that it is undeserved and at a very basic level, unearned, meaning our man-hours do not directly relate to our income. And the months when the amount we receive doesn't match the amount we need, we trust that God will meet every need. And instead of figuring out how to get more money, we pray for resourcefulness, contentment, and most of all, peace. We are literally learning what it means to "let go and let God", for reals.
I actually feel lighter--not physically because eating corn tortillas everyday doesn't help anyone's figure--but emotionally. And though I still get anxious now and then, I don't live in it. Not having options, having my hands tied, has given me the freedom to let go and enjoy life in a new way, and I'm so grateful.
As I reflect on this last year, the main thing I feel is gratefulness. I'm grateful for God's loving-kindness in one of the hardest transitions we've ever made together as a family. One of the biggest lessons I've learned is the freedom found in having your hands tied.
I struggled with anxiety for more than half my life. 16 years, to be sort-of exact. One way I coped was white-knuckling everything in my life, thinking that if I controlled it, my anxiety would lessen. This has proven to be untrue. In fact, my anxiety has lessened since having to let go of pretty much any control I ever thought I had.
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| Super-easy-to-understand Triangle of Life |
Besides geometry problems, my previous life of eating only organic, local, and natural foods has been pretty much flipped upside down. One-stop-shopping isn't very common here. We go to market for fruits, veggies, fresh cut bacon, eggs, tortillas, and bulk grains; we go to the grocery store for things like peanut butter, cereal, and milk; we go the "health store" for quinoa and bread, which is pretty much all we can afford there; and we go to Costco for yellow lemons, coconut oil, and frozen pot-stickers. It's not easy to fill the pantry and fridge, and even when we do, it's many times not with foods I would've fed my family a year ago. And even more maddening is that foods don't have to have an ingredient label. My kids now eat Cheetos, Oreos, and Jello and have candy more days than I would like to admit. I could've white-knuckled it and not allowed my kids to partake in eating the candy at birthday parties (which occur on a bi-weekly basis); I could've sent my kids to school without any treats while every other kid ate their Cheetos and Jello; I could've told the kind people who babysat my kids that they weren't allowed to take my kids to KFC. But at some point, I had to resign. The stress I was experiencing about food would kill me before any food I ever ate. I have learned to do the best I can with what I have. I am convinced that quality of life (emotional and spiritual) are much better predictors of future health than food alone. Maybe that's denial, but I'm okay with that.
And finally, living on support (donations made to us by hard-working people) has proven to remove any sense of control I thought I had on our security. When money is tight, I can't just work more hours or pick up a part time job. We literally live on the kindness of others and that, my friends, cannot be controlled by me. And so each month we thank God for every penny that comes in, knowing that it is undeserved and at a very basic level, unearned, meaning our man-hours do not directly relate to our income. And the months when the amount we receive doesn't match the amount we need, we trust that God will meet every need. And instead of figuring out how to get more money, we pray for resourcefulness, contentment, and most of all, peace. We are literally learning what it means to "let go and let God", for reals.
I actually feel lighter--not physically because eating corn tortillas everyday doesn't help anyone's figure--but emotionally. And though I still get anxious now and then, I don't live in it. Not having options, having my hands tied, has given me the freedom to let go and enjoy life in a new way, and I'm so grateful.
I LOVE reading your posts, Mandy. I have seen such an amazing transformation in you over the past couple of years. It's inspiring. Thank you for writing so honest and openly! Love you guys.
ReplyDeleteThanks Alyssa! We love you guys too and I *so* wish I could hold that sweet baby of yours and sit in your livingroom and chat about all things motherhood. <3
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